11: DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE?
Lessons From a Silver Maple Tree on Embracing Our Imperfections & Relationship Resilience
Hey, Friend!
It's your emotional intelligence and body language buddy here, Janine DRIVER, author of “IN THE DRIVER’S Seat: Your Fun-Sized (and Unfiltered) Guide to Decoding Body Language & Nudging Human Behavior.
Today I'm dropping a story straight from the heart, and let me tell ya, it's gonna take us on a wild ride through the world of attachment styles. Buckle up, sister/brother, 'cause this journey might just flip your relationships and your life upside down – in the best way possible. Get ready for some life-changing stuff here!
Oh, I have a small favor to ask… because my life’s mission is to inspire people to look at their world differently, if you learn something new here and find it valuable, I’m wondering if you could do me a favor and hit the heart button and share it with others?!
Picture this: after my anxious attachment style reared its ugly head this past weekend, I decided to sit in my big red truck in my driveway, and do some deep breathing. Off to my left, there's this giant Silver Maple tree in my front yard and I began to stare at all the tiny details of the tree.
But before I started noticing the imperfections of the tree I first was transported back when I bought this house in 2003. I started to reminisce how much I love this tree and how much this tree has seen.
Those moments are etched in my heart forever. That tree has been a backdrop to my life's most cherished memories. After reminiscing, I took a closer look at the loving Silver Maple tree, and its presence struck a profound chord within me.
My tree with all its broken branches, moss, and yup, there's even bird poop, it’s been through it all over time, right? Just like us. Our attachment styles? They're like that tree, shaped by the stuff we've been through since we were kids. And this inspired me to share with you what I’ve learned through the years about attachment styles. Ready?! Sure you are!
Oh – at the end of this ride, I've got three killer polls for you to flex those brain muscles on attachment styles. And hey, if you're scratching your head for answers, sneak a peek at the PS. I've got you covered!
Embracing Our Imperfections: Lessons from a Silver Maple Tree on Attachment and Relationship Resilience
Let's break it down! Our lives? Kinda like a Silver Maple tree – not perfect, but hey, who is? We've all got our emotional scrapes and bruises, our own “broken branches,” thanks to life's wild ride. These bumps and scratches? They're what make up our attachment styles – that deep-down stuff driving how we connect (or don't) with folks.
We're DRIVING headfirst into this attachment style highway – anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure (AADS). It's all about figuring out how these styles “add” up to shaping the way we love and live with the people around us. Each style reflects our deepest emotional landscape, much like the Silver Maple's rings tell its age and history.
Like the Silver Maple tree standing tall in my yard, let's embrace our imperfections and learn how to thrive in our relationships, regardless of the storms we've weathered.
Why This Is a Must-Read for You
Alright, here we go! Three slam-dunk reasons to read this baby… Buckle up, because FUN is coming your way:
Embrace Your Crazy: Got emotional baggage? Great! Learn to love your quirks and turn 'em into your superpowers. It's like giving your flaws a high-five.
Know Thy Crazy Self: Dive deep into why you act the way you do. Spoiler alert: You might just be normal... or not. Either way, it's fun to find out!
Real Talk with a Side of LOL: I'm serving up real-life stories with a side of chuckles to help you navigate the wild ride of emotions. It's like therapy, but with more laughs and fewer tissues.
So, what are you waiting for? DRIVE into this newsletter and get ready to laugh, learn, and maybe even shed a happy tear or two. Let's get our emotional groove on!
Breaking Down Attachment Styles: With Tips & Self-Reflection Questions & Strategies
Understanding Anxious Attachment Style
Anxious attachment often emerges from inconsistent caregiving in childhood. So, anxious attachment, right? That’s where I'm at. Now, my folks were top-notch, but things got a bit wacky when I hit my teen years. Picture this: After my loving and supportive stay-at-home Mom became a nurse and worked the 3:30pm-11pm shifts, I had to watch my two younger sisters (ages 8 and 11) and myself till Dad came home after often working two jobs. We're talking classic '80s "latch-key kids."
But here’s the kicker – our neighborhood high school teens had this twisted idea of fun. They knew we were home alone and, man, did they go to town on us. Summer times? Our door was like a drum set for their knock-and-run solos. Winter? Our house turned into their personal snowball target practice. You can bet it wasn't a winter wonderland for us. Scared? You bet we were. It’s like living in a low-budget horror movie, but with more snowballs and less eerie music.
Fast forward to today, and bam – I’ve got that anxious attachment tag. Yep. If you're in the same boat, you're probably the kind who frets over your relationships or maybe you cling to your partner like a koala to a eucalyptus tree, or maybe you’re almost always on the lookout for that dreaded “A” word – abandonment.
So, if you find yourself double-texting for that extra bit of reassurance, welcome to the club – the Anxious Attachment Club. We don't have jackets, but we sure do have plenty of shared stories!
Key Characteristics:
- High sensitivity to partners' actions and moods.
- Fear of being alone or abandoned.
- Constant need for reassurance.
Alright, listen up! Us anxious types, we just can't help but chase those avoidants – it's like we're playing a weird game of relationship tag. Want more of this wild ride? Check out my Q&A newsletter dropping today for my paid subscribers!
The Impact on Relationships:
Picture this: You're like a love detective, always on the lookout for clues. Every text, every sigh is a code to crack – "Do they love me, or am I less interesting than a rerun of 'Friends'?"
Here's the funny part: in your quest for constant love proof, you might be smothering your partner like cheese on a pizza. It's like, "Love me! And don't leave me!”
The key? Realize that being super clingy might actually push people away. It's time to turn down the volume on your inner worry radio. Find that chill zone where you're not overanalyzing every little thing. Trust me, a little space can make the heart grow fonder, not wander! Remember, less detective work, more Netflix and chill.
Self-Reflection Questions:
- Do I often find myself worrying about my partner's commitment?
- Am I overly concerned about small changes in my partner’s behavior?
Strategies for Coping:
1. Self-Soothing Techniques: Learn calming practices like meditation or deep breathing exercises.
2. Communication Skills: Express your feelings and needs clearly and calmly to your partner.
3. Develop Independence: Engage in activities that build your self-esteem and independence.
Takeaway:
Recognizing your anxious tendencies is the first step. Practice self-soothing and clear communication to foster a healthier relationship dynamic. In my next newsletter (#12), I’ll share with you what I recently did to pull myself out of a “self-sabotaging” loop!
Understanding Avoidant Attachment Style
Those with avoidant attachment often had caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or overly intrusive.
Yup, if you're rocking that avoidant attachment style, it's as if you've got a “No Trespassing” sign on your heart. You're like a lone wolf, loving that solo vibe.
Intimacy? Pssh, you treat that like a hot potato. "Too close! Too close!" It's like someone's trying to handcuff your emotions. And let me tell you, I've dated a few “lone wolves” myself. Fun times? Not so much because I have an anxious attachment style.
And get this – turns out, if you’re single, it wouldn’t be surprising, if you’ve been doing online dating for some time now. You may be like a professional first-dater dater. “Commitment? Uh, I left my oven on, gotta go!" Nice! Classic avoidant move.
It’s as if you’re in a “love 'em and leave 'em” club.
Online dating platforms often attract individuals with avoidant attachment styles due to the anonymity, control, non-committal interactions, ease of disengagement, and opportunities for curated self-presentation they offer.
Key Characteristics:
- Discomfort with closeness and emotional intimacy.
- Highly value independence and self-sufficiency.
- Tendency to pull away when things get too close.
The Impact on Relationships:
Let's zero in on the relationship impact of being an emotional ninja – you know, the avoidant attachment style. Picture this: You're like a magician – now you see 'em, now you don't – leaving your partner feeling like they're playing a solo game of catch. It's all fun and games until someone feels like they're trying to cuddle with a cactus.
When you go all Houdini during conflicts or dodge the “L” word like it's a dodgeball, your partner might start feeling like they're on a one-way trip to Lonely Town. It's like, "Hey, I'm over here trying to connect, and you're out there building emotional fortresses!"
So, remember, if you're playing the avoidant game, it's cool to build bridges instead of walls. A little emotional open-up can turn a game of hide-and-seek into a tag team of love and connection. Trust me, your partner will thank you for it!
Self-Reflection Questions:
- Do I feel a need to withdraw when a relationship becomes emotionally close?
- Am I reluctant to depend on others or to have others rely on me?
3 Strategies for Coping:
1. Recognize Avoidance Patterns: Be aware of your tendency to pull away and challenge these habits.
2. Small Steps Toward Vulnerability: Gradually open up to sharing more with trusted individuals.
3. Mindfulness Practices: Stay present in relationships, recognizing the value of connection.
Takeaway:
Embracing vulnerability in small doses can help balance your independence with the benefits of close relationships.
Understanding Disorganized Attachment Style
This style is often the result of trauma or severe inconsistency in childhood. Disorganized attachment style is like being in a relationship remix. It's like you got your wires crossed from some rough stuff in the past. One minute you're all in, like, "Let's do this love thing!" Next minute, you're like, "Whoa, back up! Need my space!"
My fabulous aupair, from Italy, Frankie, has given me permission to share with you that she has a disorganized attachment style. Here’s the deal, when Frankie is on a killer date, feeling the vibe, out of nowhere she's hit with a "what if I lose my me-time?" panic. It's like her heart's playing tug-of-war with her head.
As a kid, Frankie was tight with her folks, like really tight. But man, when her cousin showed up and stirred up trouble, it was like a scene straight out of a sitcom. Frankie would be minding her own business, and wa-bam! Suddenly, she's the one getting the heat. She'd be like, "Hey, it wasn't me!" But did they listen? Nope. They'd chew her out in front of everyone. She was sooooo confused! WTF?!
Then later, all hush-hush, her parents would be like, "We know you're innocent, kiddo." Talk about mixed signals! These micro-tramas were her weekend routine every week, between the ages of four and fourteen.
Today, Frankie thinks her parents did this, so her cousin would avoid getting hit by her parents. However, the damage has been done and her disorganized attachment style is hanging on tight.
Classic family stuff, right?
Key Characteristics:
- Mixed and often contradictory behaviors in relationships.
- Struggle with trusting others.
- Desire for intimacy but fear of getting too close.
The Impact on Relationships:
Disorganized attachment is like being in a rom-com directed by a suspense thriller director. One minute, you're all about that cuddle life, the next minute you're like, "Space, I need space!" Talk about giving mixed signals!
Your partner's on this emotional rollercoaster with you, never knowing if they're coming in for a landing or taking off again. They're like, "Should I hug 'em, or hand 'em a telescope to spot me from their space zone?"
But hey, recognizing this “hot and cold” routine is step one to turning that chaotic love story into something a bit more rom-com classic. It's all about finding that smooth rhythm in your relationships, instead of leaving your partners feeling like they're trying to salsa with a yo-yo. Imagine what might be possible if you could get those relationship vibes more consistent, less mystery – trust me, everyone will breathe easier!
Self-Reflection Questions:
- Do I find myself oscillating between seeking and resisting closeness?
- Am I often confused about what I want in relationships?
3 Strategies for Coping:
1. Seek Professional Help: Therapy can be invaluable in unpacking the roots of disorganized attachment.
2. Consistency in Relationships: Aim for steady, predictable interactions.
3. Building Trust: Focus on small, consistent actions to build trust with others.
Takeaway:
Healing from a disorganized attachment style takes time and often professional guidance, but with commitment, healthier patterns can emerge.
Understanding Secure Attachment Style
Alright, let's give it up for the MVP of attachment styles – the secure attachment! This is like hitting the relationship jackpot, usually thanks to some solid caregiving back in the day or some heavy lifting with therapy and self-love as an adult. If you're in this club, you're probably nailing the whole stable relationship game (but hey, nobody's perfect, right?).
Now, let me tell you about my boyfriend, Antone. This guy is a rockstar in the secure attachment league. When I start spiraling into my "Are we okay?" zone, he doesn't hit the panic button. Nope, he's cool as a cucumber, has the magic words, or just the right move to chill me out. He's not sprinting for the hills when things get real – he's there, steady as a rock. So here's to all the Antones out there, making us anxious types feel a little more secure in this crazy world of love and relationships!
Research in attachment theory suggests that about 50-60% of adults display a secure attachment style, though this estimate varies due to factors like culture, socio-economic background, and measurement criteria. Additionally, attachment styles are dynamic and can evolve with personal development, therapy, and changing life circumstances.
Key Characteristics:
- Comfort with intimacy and independence.
- Ability to communicate needs and emotions effectively.
- Resilience in the face of relationship challenges.
The Impact on Relationships:
If you're rolling with a secure attachment style, you're like the LeBron James of relationships. You've got the whole love game on lock. Comfortable with getting all cozy and giving each other space? Check. Speaking your mind and listening like a pro? Double check.
You're creating this incredible, balanced vibe where trust is the name of the game and everyone's feeling the love. It's like being the relationship quarterback, making sure every play ends in a win-win.
And the cool part? If your partner's got some of that attachment style drama, you're like their relationship superhero. You help 'em feel more secure, like a warm blanket on a chilly night.
So, knowing all this good stuff about secure attachment? It's like a gym membership for your emotional muscles. Work it out, and watch your relationships flex into something stronger and more kickass.
Let's hear it for Team Secure Attachment!
Self-Reflection Questions:
- Do I feel comfortable both with closeness and personal space in relationships?
- Can I communicate my needs effectively?
3 Strategies for Enhancing Security:
1. Emotional Intelligence: Continue to develop your understanding of emotions—yours and others'.
2. Healthy Boundaries: Maintain and respect boundaries in relationships.
3. Positive Relationship Models: Foster relationships with others who exhibit secure attachment.
Takeaway:
Continual personal growth and emotional intelligence are key to maintaining and nurturing a secure attachment style.
In Closing: Learning from the Silver Maple
Alright, y'all, we're wrapping up this wild ride of a newsletter! We've been talking attachment styles, and let me tell you, it's been a journey like going on a hike around that mighty Silver Maple tree in my yard. From the anxious over-thinkers to the cool, calm secure folks, we've covered them all, giving you the lowdown on how to tackle those love-life hiccups with some savvy moves.
Remember, just like my Silver Maple tree standing tall through all kinds of weather, you’ve got the strength to face your relationship storms head-on. I’ve dished out some strategies to help you navigate those tricky emotional waters, whether you're clinging on for dear life or building an emotional fortress.
So, take these insights, go forth, and grow, just like our buddy, the Silver Maple tree – standing strong, embracing our quirks, and turning challenges into triumphs.
Before I say my final, goodbye, here are a couple polls to see how well you now understand attachment styles…
Before we part ways, here’s a link to put your newfound skills on decoding attachment styles of famous characters from movie and TV…
Until next time, keep your branches high and your roots deep! And remember, you matter. You belong. Now let’s do this bitches!
Love you,
Janine
P.S. Here are the correct answers to the questions I polled you on above:
-Alex has an ANXIOUS attachment style.
-Jordan has an AVOIDANT attachment style.
-Casey has a DISORGANIZED attachment style.
Resources
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). *Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation*. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment Styles Among Young Adults: A Test of a Four-Category Model. *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61*(2), 226-244.
Bowlby, J. (1982). *Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment* (2nd ed.). New York: Basic Books.
Collins, N. L., & Read, S. J. (1990). Adult Attachment, Working Models, and Relationship Quality in Dating Couples. *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 58*(4), 644-663.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1987). Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process. *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52*(3), 511-524.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. New York: Guilford Press.